When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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