Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
