i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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