For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
