you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
