We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
