Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
