i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
