Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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