i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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