You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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