I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
