a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
