he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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