great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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