On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
