i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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