i'm signing you up for texting rehab
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
