So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
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Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
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Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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