My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
