I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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