I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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