Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
