Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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