wrigley field is MILF paradise
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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