Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
