The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
