I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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