meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
