I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
MIDGETS
????
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
