My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
