Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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