Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
