I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
