I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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