I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
