Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
