the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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