in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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