he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
it's like iHOP with fire
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
