my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
