My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
