I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
