I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
