Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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