I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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