Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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