I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
