You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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