Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize