just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
