That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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