my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
be right there i have to get my cape
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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