Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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