And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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