plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
