OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
