Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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