it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
