someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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